It's so much more than losing weight...

I am not even sure how many times in my life I've said something like: I'll wear something like that when I lose weight, go there when I lose weight, do that when I lose weight...it isn't worth it until I lose weight.

What makes me believe that I am not good enough, deserving enough, to enjoy, wear, do those things right now?

I don't know where it coms from or if others feel this way who are in a similar situation. I often think I look bad no matter what I wear so why put that much effort in. I don't wear a lot of make-up, I just let my hair curl naturally, I don't really accessorize. But why? What is the real reason. I'm not saying you need to do more to be beautiful, I only mean from my own personal experience and mentality. It seems like I don't put enough effort into my appearance and I think the root of it is I don't want to draw attention to myself, maybe? I am unsure. I feel like I am starting to explore more of my feelings and emotions and pinpoint and nail down what I want to get out of this and what my ultimate goals are. I'm not married and I am single, but I wouldn't want someone who only liked me when I was at goal weight, you want someone who would love you at any size. But, truly you really can't find someone to love you like that until you learn to do it yourself.

Last night I went to a jewelry party at my one sister's apartment. I had a really nice time and it was a jewelry party/housewarming party since she just moved into that apartment a few months ago. I watched the presentation and saw how the people recommended accessorizing and realized that I feel like I have no fashion sense, at all. LOL it is actually pretty bad. But, I want to make an effort now! I don't want to keep saying that in time or 50 lbs, 100lbs, down the road that I will do this or that. Truth is, who knows how long this journey will take, if I will even make it all the way (although I am determined to do so). I can't continue to sell myself short. I am who I am and I need to love and accept who that person is at this moment.

So, I bought some jewelry. I'm not saying that is the be all end all cure that if you throw on some accessories you are a changed person, but I think people need to be ok with themselves and be able to present themselves as beautiful and as they care about themselves no matter their size.

Tomorrow is my weigh in day and I honestly do not weigh myself at home. I don't know why, but so far I have just gone by the scale at Weight Watchers and use that as my official weekly weigh in. No matter what the scale has to say, good or bad, I know I worked hard this week and made a lot of changes and no matter what... I love me. And really, that is all that matters.

Happy losing everyone!

<3 ktj