"I'll start tomorrow."

How many times have I said that? How many times have you?

Often I find myself ready to lose weight (hell I think we all wish we could snap our fingers and suddenly be our ideal weight), but first I always tell myself that I need a "last hurrah!" Often this would consist of Olive Garden take out, usually chicken fettuccine alfredo with chicken and gnocchi soup and extra bread sticks. The whole meal is probably more points than I am supposed to eat in an entire day!

Does eating that food make me feel better? What do I get out of it?
This is what I struggle with. I am not 100% sure. It tastes good, it satisfies me, it fills me up. I don't know why I am a compulsive eater or how it started. When I think about compulsive eating the scene from Austin Powers comes to mind where "Fat Bastard" is talking about His weight and he says: "I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy an I'm unhappy because I eat. It is a vicious cycle." Is this me? It feels like it. It feels like I have been trapped for my entire life in this cycle of "fat." It is like a bad ride at an amusement park and I can't get off.

What is different this time?
Well, I finally finished school and passed all my exams. Now, I am a professional. It seems like I should now be in charge of my own life. I need to break the cycle. I need to learn how to eat right. And don't I deserve to someday look in a mirror and like what I see back? To go shopping and it be a fun experience and not a painful one where nothing fits?

To do this, for this to work this time, I new to know why I want to lose weight. In the beginning, I told myself it was finally time to get serious and lose this weight because I was asked to be the Maid of Honor in a wedding this Spring. But really, I have always wanted to be thin. It seemed like I needed this big event as a timeline for some goals.

Really there have been so many embarrassments or defeats due to my weight. I remember being so embarrassed my senior year of college when I went to an amusement park with some friends. During senior week we decided to go to the park as when we got to the roller coaster the harness was one you had to pull down over your head and it would lock in place and your feet dangle as you sit for the ride. Well, the harness wouldn't lock. Apparently there was one row for "big" people and my friends and I were moved to that row and we went on the ride. My friends didn't say anything then and it has never been discussed around me again, but I was mortified.

Since graduating from college a few years ago, and this past August, when I rejoined, I had signed up for weight watchers with my mother. We followed for awhile, but never filled a full book with all of our weigh in stickers. I don't remember why we quit that time, but it was the same old, same old like her and I had joined and quit so many times before.

Well, this Sunday, I weigh in and attend a meeting each Sunday, the last available space in my weight booklet will be filled, a first ever accomplishment!

I rejoined in August with my younger sister and mother and right now my weight loss has not been great. I know I need to make changes before I see the results I want and need. I am not quitting. At least I am still going to the meetings. I need a kick to help me, maybe mor support, or more accountability, or maybe I will work out some only internal weight struggles by writing it out. Well, no matter the reason, I will chronically my journey here. I hope that I find others who can relate and we can motivate one another. Feel free to comment and share your experiences!

Until then, happy losing!

<3 ktj